The top 10 things you should know about visting New York, by Dion Roy
I have a lot of friends/fans/family who come into the city with no clue, so in an effort to save a few new friends from making the same mistakes, I’m going to give my top 10 tips for visting NYC. Now when you come visit for a show or for vacation, you can’t say “Dion, you should’ve told me.”
I’m not a travel expert, so this is by no means meant to be taken seriously, but my fellow New Yorkers should get a kick out of this.
- 1. Mama Sbarros – At the top of the list, goes Sbarro. I realize that many of you aren’t familiar with it or what it is. What’s important to know is what it isn’t, and thats Italian Food.
- 2. Olive Garden – Same rules as above, the Times Square Olive Garden also isn’t Italian food. Unless you are in the mood for Salad and Breadsticks as a meal.
- 3. The Lower East Side, is not the “East Village”. If you are South of Houston on the East side, it is the Lower East Side. North of Houston on the East side is the East Village. This brings me to my next point.
- 4. How-stin – Forget everything you learned in Grade school U.S. Geography. The major street running East to West just above Canal street is… Houston. Say After me. HOW-STIN. The ginormous city in Texas is – HEW-STON. HOW. HEW. Make this mistake and it will be held against you for years.
- 5. She’s got legs. – My little rule of thumb, if you are less than a 5 minute walk from your next destination. Walk. If that’s too far for you, you should go back to Philly.
- 6. The Yellow ones don’t stop, or slow down. – That yellow blur you see coming at you at 90 Miles an hour is in fact a Taxi. This taxi driver IS on the phone, most likely in deep conversation with a friend in a foreign country. She/He’s pretty sure that they can blame your death on you if you decide to linger in the crosswalk against the light.
- 7. Wheels of Death – This is a bit politicized at the moment, but in the past year or 2, New York decided that it would be a great idea to move parking spots into the middle of an Avenue so that there’s a dedicated lane for Bikers. In theory, nice. In practice, death. I have seen many Bikers drive right into an open cab door, so when you get out of the cab look out for people on bikes first. They are also probably on the phone, and hate you because you are in a car.
- 8. Do not stay in Times Square, Do Not bring a camera to Times Square, Do Not touch anything at Times Square. In general, avoid Times Square. Walk through it once then get the heck out of there, and while you are walking through, stay to the right, don’t walk dead center with your eyes in the air and drool coming through your mouth. Also – no english is spoken at Times Square.
- 9. Local New Yorkers walk at an average speed of 40MPH. If you are a slow walker, you might want to invest in a good pair of shoes to keep up with your friends / not get trampled to death. They are in a hurry all the time, and appear to have blinders on. We are still generally nice people, and 99 of 100 will give you directions, and at least 1 of 100 will give you directions that aren’t in the opposite direction of where you are going.
- 10. When in doubt, It’s probably pee. Probably Rat Pee.
Have something that should have made this list? Leave it in the Comments below so I can delete it.